Your Trauma Response Is Cramping My Style
Chapter 33 of Neophyte: My Life In A Sex Cult
This is a chapter within my memoir, Neophyte, about my time in a harmful cult called the Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society. It is not meant to be read as a stand-alone post. To view all book chapters, click here.
The Deer Tribe is a dangerous cult. While they present themselves as a spiritual community offering healing and empowerment, their practices are rooted in manipulation, control, and cultural appropriation. Like many cults, they offer moments of genuine connection and personal insight — but these are strategically used to gain trust and draw people deeper into a harmful system. Readers are encouraged to read the entire book before forming opinions about the Deer Tribe.
Chapter 33
The post-ceremony high I was expecting never came when the Q wrapped up the next evening. Rather than euphoric, I felt unsettled, sad, and alone. In Deer Tribe workshops, we were expected to help clean up, and those feelings crept in as I worked alongside everyone else.
I watched the others float around, blissful and giddy, while a fiery jealousy burned in my heart. Their happiness and laughter angered me. I had to escape and fled to the apartment I shared with Matthew as soon as I finished my assigned tasks. For a long time, I waited for Matthew, but he never showed. When I heard voices upstairs, I became curious and went to see what was going on.
When I walked into Reina’s apartment, I realized a party was in full swing. A party I hadn’t been invited to. Necea lounged on the loveseat with the female logistics lead, who had her arm draped lazily around Necea’s shoulders. They were laughing, beers in hand. Across the room, Matthew, who’d been complaining about his back, was stretched out on the floor while the other male logistics staffer, a chiropractor, worked on him.
Music pulsed from the speakers. Dasha slid onto the sofa beside Necea, and they giggled between sips of beer. I sat on a nearby chair, feeling numb and dissociated, my jaw clenched and chest tight.
Every so often, Necea shot me a strange look before turning away. I suspected I appeared cold and on edge, so I forced a smile and tried to blend in. But the room’s energy clashed violently with what was churning inside me, making my efforts feel stiff and hollow.
The next day, Matthew borrowed Silver's giant red VW van, nicknamed the Om Mobile, to drive Necea, Dasha, and the logistics staff to the airport.
Communication with Necea was difficult. She rarely answered her phone and often took days to reply to my texts and emails. During that car ride, I soaked up every minute of our time together. I asked her countless questions, eager to learn more about her life. How did she become a Q instructor? Had she always been this confident? How did she market herself? How did she find clients?
Necea shared openly how she sought out opportunities and masters in the industry. When she wanted something, she went for it.
"Here’s just one example. Years ago, I lived in L.A. One day, while I was out walking, I saw a man painting a beautiful mural on the side of a building. I was so in awe of his work that I stopped in my tracks. I looked at him and asked if he would teach me how to paint like that. And he agreed! He taught me how to paint murals, and for years, that’s how I made a living. That work gave me so much freedom—I could make a lot of money doing a few big projects and then take weeks off at a time. That’s essentially how I funded my medicine work."
I couldn’t imagine having the courage to approach a complete stranger in that way.
Necea continued, “Opportunities come to me because I carry myself with confidence. Yes, of course, my spiritual practices and chanting also help me manifest. But I attract people because of my confidence and because I show a genuine, relaxed curiosity about others. I want this for you, too, sweetheart. You are my apprentice, and I want to see you shine.
“Last night, when we were at Reina’s, you didn’t appear relaxed at all. You were stiff, and you had this tight, rigid smile on your face…”
Necea’s voice became clipped as she shaped her mouth into a thin, wide smile. She lifted her shoulders and tilted her head back and forth. In horror, I realized she was mimicking my frozen, awkward demeanor from the night before.
She relaxed her body and looked at me intently.
“That’s not attractive,” she said firmly. “That’s not going to bring you the opportunities or people you’re seeking. I want to encourage you to take this into your gateway ceremonies so you can free yourself from this needless waste of energy.”
As Necea spoke, I zoned out, overwhelmed by the crushing sensation building in my chest. My jaw clenched, my throat tightened. Oh, the shame, shame, shame! I was sick of it.
Necea had seen through my mask. She had seen straight through to my jealousy, my envy, and my insecurity.
I commanded myself to stay open and focused on taking deep, calming breaths as we drove the rest of the way to the airport.
Go to Chapter 34.