The Quodoushka Blueprint For Breaking Your Relationship
Chapter 36 of Neophyte: My Life In A Sex Cult
This is a chapter within my memoir, Neophyte, about my time in a harmful cult called the Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society. It is not meant to be read as a stand-alone post. To view all book chapters, click here.
The Deer Tribe is a dangerous cult. While they present themselves as a spiritual community offering healing and empowerment, their practices are rooted in manipulation, control, and cultural appropriation. Like many cults, they offer moments of genuine connection and personal insight — but these are strategically used to gain trust and draw people deeper into a harmful system. Readers are encouraged to read the entire book before forming opinions about the Deer Tribe.
Chapter 36
When Matthew and I started dating, he surprised me with a gesture I had never experienced before: he called me every day. Sometimes just to check in, but often, because he wanted to see me. When I mentioned this to a friend, she reacted with, “Woah, that’s weird.” But I appreciated it deeply. Matthew had a unique way of making me feel loved and cared for like no one else had.
One of my friends from the Ashram, a lovely woman named Olivia, had a partner who rarely joined in on any activities. She was as devoted as I, and sometimes I imagined what it would be like to have a partner who didn’t attend the sweat lodges, shamanic classes, or meditation sessions. I cherished that Matthew and I were on this spiritual journey together.
Matthew was affectionate, loving, and genuinely supportive of everything I wanted to do. He really loves me, I often thought in awe. For the first time in my life, I felt deeply and truly loved by someone.
So when I told him what transpired at the Q2, I wasn’t prepared for his reaction. When I got to the Smell and Taste exercise, his response was immediate and intense.
“You did what?!” he practically jumped out of his seat, his face a mix of shock and disbelief.
Panic set in. My heart filled with fear.
“How could you do that without checking in with me?” He sounded angry, shocked, and hurt.
“I-I don’t know. I didn’t know what was going to happen. They just sent us into the exercise.”
“You could have stopped. You could have said, ‘I need to stop. I need to call and check in with my partner first.’”
Yes, I could have done that. Why didn’t I do that?
A heavy, crushing sensation overcame me. Once again, I didn’t stand up for my boundaries. I had just gone into freeze mode, and now my partner was angry. I was such a wimp. I always am.
To my surprise, Matthew consulted with Silver. Later, I learned he had interrogated Silver, demanding to know if he was aware of the Q2 exercise and why he hadn’t informed either of us. Silver was supposed to be our spiritual teacher and look out for our relationship.
After Matthew spoke with Silver, I sought his counsel as well.
“He’s feeling hurt and betrayed,” Silver told me. “So it’s simple: just ask him what he needs. Say, ‘What do you need? Do you want me to do the exercise with you? Do you want to fuck me? Whatever you need, I’ll do it.’”
When Silver’s advice failed to resolve the painful wedge in our relationship, I reached out to Mukee and shared with her what had happened.
“This is just bringing up Matthew’s pain tapes. It’s nothing personal.” Her low New Zealand drawl filled the living room. I had her on speaker phone and paced the house as she spoke. “Just be gentle with him as he works through it. Remember, Quodoushka is all about healing. It’s a safe space to explore and gain different reflections about yourself that you can’t get from your primary partner. Remind Matthew of that. You did that exercise strictly as spiritual work. It wasn’t a hook-up.”
As Mukee spoke, a calmness settled over me.
“Matthew will come around. And why don’t you encourage him to come to the Q2 I am teaching with Necea this summer? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to give him that experience? This could be so healing for your relationship. If he needs reassurance, let him know that Necea and I never include the Smell and Taste exercise in our workshops. We feel it's too advanced and distracts from the focus on healing. If Matthew comes to our Q2, then both of you can attend the Q3 workshop next year, taught by Susan and Irene. Q3 is the first workshop that covers sex magic and includes advanced healing techniques designed to deepen your connection as a couple.”
The wheels were turning. I could send Matthew to a Q2 workshop! That might ease his frustration with me, and perhaps the Q3 could help resolve our conflict. But Matthew didn’t want to go to the Q2. It didn’t seem to matter to him that Mukee and Necea’s Q2 wouldn’t have that dreadful Smell and Taste exercise. No matter how much I tried to convince him or how persuasive I was, he remained resolute.
“If I go, I only want to go with you,” he finally insisted, a sharpness to his voice. Apparently he’d grown tired of my relentless hounding. But I couldn’t take time off in July to attend; it was too soon after SunDance, and my job would never allow it.
Mukee and Necea’s Q2 workshop was fast approaching. I knew Matthew would need about $1,200 for the workshop fee, airfare, car rental, and lodging. Given that this was just two weeks after SunDance, our biggest expense of the year, we would need to be financially strategic to make it work.
In a moment of frustration, I snapped at him. “Well, I’m going to the Q3 next year, with or without you. So unless you go to the Q2 this summer, I’ll have to go with someone else.”
Matthew stared at me for a few seconds before turning and walking out the door. I watched him leave, stunned and feeling awful, my harsh words echoing in my mind. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. Who had I become? Ever since the Q2, it seemed like we were constantly fighting. We weren’t laughing as much, and a gnawing fear gripped me as I sensed Matthew drifting away.
The next evening, he approached me. “I thought about it, and I’ll go to the Q2,” he said calmly.
Relief flowed through me. He had agreed! Everything would be okay.
But everything wasn’t okay. He went to the Q2 by himself, and I remained home, feeling distraught and insanely jealous. When he returned, I waited for the bliss, the energy the Q instructors had consistently promised us, but it never came.
I thought about the last two years and the loving, beautiful relationship we had developed. The closeness we enjoyed. The amazing experience of being in ceremony together. Weekend trips to Austin where we hiked and dreamed about our future. I wanted those days back. So I dove even deeper into the medicine with a fiery passion, determined to heal myself and my relationship.
Go to Chapter 37.