You Will Get What You Pray For
Chapter 4 of Neophyte: My Life In A Sex Cult
This is a chapter within my memoir, Neophyte, about my time in a harmful cult called the Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society. It is not meant to be read as a stand-alone post. To view all book chapters, click here.
The Deer Tribe is a dangerous cult. While they present themselves as a spiritual community offering healing and empowerment, their practices are rooted in manipulation, control, and cultural appropriation. Like many cults, they offer moments of genuine connection and personal insight — but these are strategically used to gain trust and draw people deeper into a harmful system. Readers are encouraged to read the entire book before forming opinions about the Deer Tribe.
Chapter 4
The first time I saw Silver, he was munching on an apple.
He sauntered into the sweat lodge area shortly after I arrived for my first ceremony. I didn’t know he was someone important, but his presence left an impression.
For one, he wore vibrantly colored, baggy cotton pants that looked like they were plucked straight out of the ’70s. His mischievous grin and his twinkly eyes scanned the area as the rest of us worked. His sandy-blonde hair was streaked with silver, and his cheeks bore slight wrinkles and groove marks. Altogether, he was a striking figure, standing over six feet tall.
Guessing his age was impossible. He could have been anywhere from 45 to 60. When I learned he was actually 66, I was genuinely surprised.
But the biggest impression he made on me that night was the talk he gave before our sweat lodge ceremony.
We formed a circle on the floor in the dojo, a room adjacent to the kitchen in the Victorian house. My nerves buzzed with anticipation. I had already been there for a couple of hours and had expected the whole thing to be finished by now. However, things were just starting to pick up.
A turquoise-striped Pendleton blanket was elegantly spread out at the front of the room. At its center was a low seat covered with a thick cushion and sheepskin. To one side of the blanket, a small vase held a single flower beside a glass of water. On the other side lay a polished wooden stick, approximately three feet long, decorated with bells and intricate ornaments.
After everyone was seated, Silver entered the room and took that glorious seat.
He picked up the ornamental stick and began to speak.
“We are going to start with the Talking Stick. The Talking Stick represents the voice of the child. Traditionally, it was hung on the west wall inside the home at a height that even the smallest child in the family could reach. Many of us were not given a voice as a child, and so we use the stick tonight to reclaim our voice. Whoever holds the stick has the floor.”
Silver looked meaningfully around the room before continuing.
“We’ll pass the stick around and you will say your name, your medicine name if you have one, why you are here tonight, and how you touch the world with beauty.”
Silver passed the stick to the woman on his left but held on even as she reached for it.
“When you pass the stick, make eye contact. You are passing your heart, and you don’t want to pass your heart to someone unless they show honor. We show honor through eye contact. This is how we heal the family hoop.” Then he let go, and the woman introduced herself.
As the stick made its way around the room, I felt anxious energy coursing through my body, leaving me feeling shy and uncertain of what to say. I listened intently to how others touched the world with beauty, hoping to draw inspiration. One woman spoke of her massage therapy practice, while another man mentioned running a kung fu academy. Others shared their art, passions, or professions.
When the stick finally reached me, I felt my heart pounding. “Hello,” I said, feeling a rush of nervous heat. “I’m here because I just learned about this ceremony, and I’m seeking healing. I touch the world with beauty as a teacher at the university, and I care deeply about my students.”
I passed the stick on with relief, my mouth dry with nervousness. I didn’t hear any other introductions because my pounding heart seemed to drown out everything happening in the room. Eventually, the stick arrived back to Silver and it was then that I learned his name.
“My name is Silver, and I’m here as the Dance Chief for our purification lodge. I touch the world with beauty by running these ceremonies.” He set the stick to one side.
“First thing I need to ask is about first-time people. If you’ve never sweat here before, I need to know who you are.”
Tentatively, I raised my hand. I noticed one other man had his hand up as well.
“I would like to extend a thank you for allowing me to be your Dance Chief for your first experience. And the reason I say this is because I still remember my first ceremony, and the people who were there are still dancing in my heart. So there is a chance that I may find a place in your heart tonight and I take that as a privilege and an honor.
“The second thing I need to know is, who are the moontime women? Those are the menstruating women.”
I glanced around the room and saw two women raise their hands.
Silver continued. “Traditionally speaking, for many many eons, moontime women were asked to sit outside the circle and have their own ceremony. This was considered honoring them. We now do things differently. For over thirty years now we have welcomed all parts of the goddess and all parts of the feminine, including moontime energy, and we honor this expression. I have been trained as a Moon Chief apprentice to fold that into the alchemy of the ceremony.
“The way the alignment of the stars is tonight means this will be a very powerful healing ceremony. Many of you were called here for healing. And many things are aligning for you. Your task is to be open so you can receive these blessings.”
Silver’s eyes moved around the circle as he described how the ceremony would unfold.
“This is a prayer round, whether you knew it or not,” Silver explained. “You are actually here to pray. You will be praying out loud, not silently. We want to hear how you pray, who you pray to, and what you are praying for. This is how we learn from each other. We may hear people praying for things we hadn’t thought of before.”
There would be four prayer rounds. In the first round, we would pray for ourselves. He instructed us to ask for what we need in our lives to take the next step in our excellence. The second round was about prayers for others.
And then he described the third round.
“Round three is the healing round, also called the giveaway round,” Silver continued. “This is a very powerful round, and it works very simply. This is where you giveaway, not release, but giveaway whatever is keeping you from already having what you asked for in the first round. You asked for something in the first round—what’s stopping you from already having it? That’s what you want to give away in the third round.
“Or, you can give away the so-called defects that you’ve discovered about yourself. The so-called personality flaws that other people have convinced you that you have. Or your karmic mistakes or habits or addictions. All of these things that are no longer serving you, you will need to give these away by naming them specifically and using the word ‘giveaway,’ and I’ll explain that even more.”
Silver retrieved a black stone that was on the ground beside him. I hadn’t noticed it before. It had sharp angles and was slightly larger than the size of his fist.
“This rock represents pain, which is one of the Twenty Great Teachers in life. Life is other than pain, but it is a part of life and you really can’t get away from this one. Have you noticed? There is mental pain, emotional pain, physical pain, spiritual pain, and sexual pain. Pain is a teacher. But for some reason, some of us in this room have made this a major teacher. We’ve picked this up more than we need to. Then we throw it in our bag with the rest of our burdens and we forget that we’ve picked it up. Then we do everything we can to try to get rid of it. We try to sell it off to somebody. We try to marry it off. We try to download it onto our children. We take it to church and plead to God, ‘please, please, take my pain away.’
“But God looks lovingly at us and says ‘Grandson, Granddaughter, I gave you free will. I cannot take your pain away. But if you are done with it, if you have learned all that you need from it, you can give it away.”
As he spoke those last words, he brought the hand holding the stone to the ground and let go of his hold, allowing the stone to roll from his grasp.
“And that’s what we do in the giveaway round. We give away the pain we no longer want to carry. And we use the word ‘giveaway’ as opposed to release. Because I can say this: I release my pain.”
Silver tossed the stone from one hand to the other. “There. I released it. But it just came back to me. However, if you are truly complete with it, you can give it away.” He let the stone roll from his grasp again.
“The fourth round is the final round, also called the gratitude round, and it’s very important,” Silver emphasized. “The state that you hold in that fourth round reflects exactly the form in which the universe will give you your answers to your beginning prayers. So what you are doing in that last round is crucial for how the universe will support you in manifesting your prayers. Okay?”
Hearing Silver’s voice so poetically describe the sweat lodge, I noticed a calmness settling into my body. I no longer felt anxious. Instead, I felt enraptured. Dreamy, as if I had just woken from a deeply nourishing sleep. Yet, I struggled to keep track of all the details flooding in. We were permitted to bring in water. We could get out of the lodge if needed. And then he addressed touching.
“Do not touch anyone in my lodge,” he said with an earnestness that sounded almost stern. “The reason for that is simple. Let’s say someone has been inappropriately touched in their life. And now they are in ceremony and have an opportunity to give away that violation. Maybe they are crying and about to experience a healing, and you reach over and inappropriately touch them again and re-anchor that in their body. I don’t care what kind of healer you think you are, you do not have permission to touch anyone. No siree. If you feel you can offer assistance, ask permission first.”
Then he talked about drug use. No one could enter the lodge if they had used alcohol or marijuana in the past 24 hours.
“It’s okay if you didn’t know. But do not come into this lodge if you are under the influence of substances. Even if you drank last night or smoked last night, you are still under the influence. You remain under the influence for at least 24 hours. If you come into this lodge under the influence of substances, you will impact every single child in this space, and you have no right to do that. You do not want to incur that kind of karma.
“You are going to be completely altered from this experience.” Silver looked around the room as he spoke. “You don’t need substances to get high. If you feel like you do, come talk to me. I’ll show you other ways to get high.”
Silver’s lips turned up in a knowing smile as a few chuckles burst around the room. I sat mesmerized by his words, my heart stirring with feelings of wonder and hope. How could it be that this man knew exactly what I needed to hear? How could it be that I had found exactly what I needed to find?
“This is a powerful ceremony,” Silver added. “You will get what you pray for.”
And with that, he rose from his seat, and we all prepared to go into the lodge.
Go to Chapter 5.