Taking Back My Life
Chapter 66 of Neophyte: My Life In A Sex Cult
This is a chapter within my memoir, Neophyte, about my time in a harmful cult called the Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society. It is not meant to be read as a stand-alone post. To view all book chapters, click here.
The Deer Tribe is a dangerous cult. While they present themselves as a spiritual community offering healing and empowerment, their practices are rooted in manipulation, control, and cultural appropriation. Like many cults, they offer moments of genuine connection and personal insight — but these are strategically used to gain trust and draw people deeper into a harmful system. Readers are encouraged to read the entire book before forming opinions about the Deer Tribe.
Chapter 66
On the summer solstice, I woke to strange sensations in my lower abdomen and a distinct pulsing ache in my pelvic floor. Excitement swelled in my heart. I had felt these sensations only twice before in my life, and I knew exactly what they meant.
I found Matthew in the kitchen, brewing coffee. My eyes shone as I looked at him.
“I’m pregnant,” I said.
“Really?” he asked. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Do you need to take a test?”
“Nope.”
“Okay.” He kissed me and went back to his preparations. I smiled, unfazed by his response. I knew he was happy; he just needed time for the news to sink in.
After he left for work, I went for a walk around the neighborhood. Despite it being midsummer, the day was cold, and the wind whipped fiercely, so I bundled up in my winter coat. We were going to have a baby! The thought filled me with joy.
After the abortion, I had told Matthew I didn’t want children. It was a painful decision that had taken me months to make, but at the time, it seemed like the path I wanted to follow. Most of the Deer Tribe leaders, including Necea, were childless, and Silver had emphasized more than once that the most empowered women don’t have children. I came to view my desire for children as an emotional attachment, one shaped by social conditioning that could be overcome through ceremony.
However, once I began breaking free of the Deer Tribe’s indoctrination, I realized that I wanted children more than I wanted anything else in life. When I shared that with Matthew, he cried.
With every passing day, the darkness of the Deer Tribe felt further behind me. Now, with my new pregnancy, I was filled with happiness and gratitude. The Deer Tribe may have taken a lot from me, but they hadn’t taken my motherhood.
Despite the horrors I had endured, I had to admit it could have been so much worse. What if I hadn’t realized the Deer Tribe was a cult? What if I had stayed for another 10 or 20 years? By then, it would have been too late for me to have children.
I shuddered at the thought, recalling stories of Deer Tribe women being pressured into having abortions or even getting their tubes tied. One woman, now in her late sixties, had confessed that she had wanted to be a mother more than anything. She had been a devoted follower of SwiftDeer, and he had repeatedly told her that motherhood was not part of her life’s journey. Over time, she came to believe she would be a terrible mother, and so she never had children. She had been pregnant ten times, and each time, she had aborted her baby. I only had to read between the lines to understand that SwiftDeer was behind that belief and those decisions.
In the days that followed, I reflected deeply on how I wanted to move forward. The Deer Tribe had already stolen nearly a decade of my life, and I wasn’t willing to let them take any more. The thought of spending the early days of my child’s life mired in a legal battle, one that would likely lead to nothing, was simply out of the question. But I wasn’t ready to back down entirely.
I was still receiving messages from Deer Tribe members who were curious about my story. Retelling it over and over was emotionally exhausting. And I knew there was only so much that could be conveyed through email and Facebook comments. But if I were to go on a podcast, I could share my story once, and anyone who wanted to hear it could listen. It would expose the Deer Tribe in a very public way. It would be my act of service to the world—a warning to anyone who might be tempted to get involved with this group.
On September 21, 2022, my interview with Rachel Bernstein on her IndoctriNation podcast aired. Naomi and June shared it on their public Facebook accounts for the Deer Tribe world to see. It was a glorious moment to imagine the shock of the Deer Tribe leaders as they realized their carefully constructed narrative was falling apart.
One week later, Mary Rivers emailed me. “The Board sent this out,” she said. Below her message was a copy of an email from the Deer Tribe. “We have previously reached out to this former apprentice on multiple occasions to engage her in dialogue, but she has declined. Nevertheless, it was helpful for us to hear her experiences so that we may learn from them and use them to improve our programs and how we interact with complaints. In the spirit of full transparency, the full podcast is available in the apprentice-only section of our website.'"
I rolled my eyes. Of course, they would continue to lie and manipulate. Anything to control the narrative.
Slowly, my fear of the Deer Tribe faded, but anger took its place. I was furious at the leaders, at friends who refused to speak to me for speaking the truth, at the apprentices who still defended the Deer Tribe’s actions. Though it wasn’t fair, I was angry at Matthew for allowing me to get so involved with Quodoushka. I felt that, as my husband, he should have seen through the Deer Tribe’s lies and gotten us out. But most of all, I was angry at myself for being so gullible and weak-minded.
Writing became my refuge. I started blogging about my experiences and connecting with others who had been victimized by cults. Matthew and I went to couples counseling, and slowly, we began to heal our relationship.
One of the hardest parts of my healing was accepting that the ceremonies and teachings were an illusion. The medicine doesn’t work. That’s the biggest lie of all—the one that keeps people in the Deer Tribe even when they know about the corruption of the lineage group and SwiftDeer’s deception. They stay because they believe the medicine is helpful and healing. Tragically, it is not. The “medicine” doesn’t make people wiser or kinder. It traps them in an elitist, lustful, self-absorbed community, draining their energy, money, and resources. They become ensnared in an endless pursuit of wealth and “enlightenment.”
It was painfully difficult to give up the illusion, and in many ways, I had to relearn how to live. For a long time, everything felt slow and boring. After a decade of chasing peak spiritual experiences, ordinary life seemed mundane in comparison. But before long, I realized I enjoyed the boredom of normal living. My life became quiet and peaceful, a welcome respite after years spent in the relentless, exhausting race of the Deer Tribe. Then our daughter was born, and motherhood kept me busy, giving me a new sense of purpose.
Though it took many months, the intensity of my anger began to soften. The intrusive memories slowly faded. One day, with a sense of joyful relief, I realized it had been weeks since I last thought about the Deer Tribe. They had finally lost their grip on my mind.
I had my life back. I was finally free.