The Two Of Us (Plus Silver)
Chapter 13 of Neophyte: My Life In A Sex Cult
This is a chapter within my memoir, Neophyte, about my time in a harmful cult called the Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society. It is not meant to be read as a stand-alone post. To view all book chapters, click here.
The Deer Tribe is a dangerous cult. While they present themselves as a spiritual community offering healing and empowerment, their practices are rooted in manipulation, control, and cultural appropriation. Like many cults, they offer moments of genuine connection and personal insight — but these are strategically used to gain trust and draw people deeper into a harmful system. Readers are encouraged to read the entire book before forming opinions about the Deer Tribe.
Chapter 13
“I want to talk with you about your relationship with Matthew. How’s that going?”
I sat in a leather chair in Silver’s art studio. He sat a few feet away, carving a pipe bowl, his eyes fixed on the task at hand. I watched as he whittled away the sharp edges of the black stone he held. Music poured out of the sound system set up near the ceiling: a fusion of sacred chants set to electronic soundscapes.
Butterflies filled my stomach. Silver knew about us. When we returned from SunDance, Matthew asked that we keep our relationship on the down-low for a while. His request alarmed me. Was he ashamed of me? Did he want to date other women? The Deer Tribe was fairly transparent about their approval of open relationships. If this was what Matthew wanted, why couldn’t he just say so?
“Silver doesn’t want the men in our group dating new female students,” Matthew explained. “He actually requires us to make this agreement with him. We can’t date any of the new women until they’ve been here a year.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“He says it’s important that women be given a chance to develop a spiritual foundation at the Ashram before getting into a relationship. Sex can mess that up. If they start dating one of the men right away, and the relationship doesn’t work out, he says the women usually leave.”
“But I’m not a new student. I’ve been here for a year and a half.”
“Yeah, but I’m not sure Silver will see it that way. I’ve had issues about this with him in the past.”
Relieved, I felt my body relax. A warm sensation swept through me as I understood that all Silver wanted to do was protect women. This experience was new for me; my own father never showed any interest in protecting me. But now, I welcomed this protection and the sense of safety it evoked.
I agreed to keep our relationship under wraps. We did our best to act like “friends” whenever we were together at the Ashram. This arrangement seemed to work for a couple of months. But at the last sweat lodge, during the feast, he couldn’t keep from touching me.
Lorna, one of the traveling medicine sisters who came every few months to be our Fire Chief, was seated nearby. A grandmotherly figure toward Matthew, her eyes lit up when she observed us. A gasp escaped from her mouth.
“Are you two special to each other?” she said.
Matthew just smiled, and Reina, also seated near us, said, “Uh, does a bear shit in the woods?”
“Well, we don’t want people to know about us yet,” I said.
“Dude, everyone knows,” Reina replied. “The jig is up.”
Everyone, I thought, except Silver.
But apparently, Silver had caught on.
The following week, as I was leaving the Wednesday night class, Silver had pulled me aside. “Come see me tonight after you’re done hanging out with Matthew.” Curious and excited to be summoned by Silver, I kept my visit with Matthew short. Now, realizing that he wanted to know about my romantic relationship, I felt like a shy, 13-year-old schoolgirl telling her dad about her first crush.
“It’s going well,” I managed to say.
Silver continued working in silence.
“Is he being respectful?” he asked after a long pause.
“Yes,” I said, my voice sounding squeaky. My mouth tasted dry, tingling in my chest. What else would he want to know?
“Good.”
Neither of us spoke for several minutes, and the late night and ambient music pulled me into a reverie. I sat by my teacher, my stomach churning, wondering what would happen next.
“I want you to know that you can come talk to me about anything.” Silver’s voice carried warmth and kindness. “If things happen between you two, if you need support, you can come to me. It’s really important you understand that I’m here for you.”
“Okay.” Tingles flooded my heart as I tried to comprehend what he meant by this.
“You are both fortunate to have each other,” Silver went on. “Because you both are devoted to doing the spiritual work. But it’s important that you make an agreement with each other. You want to be clear with each other that your spiritual work remains the priority. Not the relationship. If you both get clear on this and make this agreement, the relationship can actually serve your spiritual growth. That is co-empowerment.”
I listened, feeling a little woozy, drinking in Silver’s guidance. In all my past relationships, I felt dependent, anxious, and attached to my partner. It was a miserable way to exist. I didn’t want that ever again, and especially not with Matthew.
“This means that you don’t make each other your best friend,” Silver advised. “Lots of people do that—they make their relationship partner their best friend. But that’s not a healthy or empowered dynamic within a relationship. You don’t need to tell each other everything.”
The following week, I mulled over my conversation with Silver. Feeling unsettled, I made the decision to share it with Matthew. Neither of us spoke for a moment.
“That’s weird,” Matthew finally said.
“What’s weird about it?”
“Well, I agree that our spiritual work is the priority. We’ve already made that agreement. But our communication is important, so if things happen, we need to talk about it with each other. I don’t think we should rely on Silver to help us with our relationship.”
“Why?”
“Because he doesn’t have a great track record—he’s had four wives!”
That night, I fell asleep feeling happy and peaceful. Just a few weeks earlier, one of my SunDance prayers had manifested: I found a new job with better hours, higher pay, and a commute that was half as long. No longer would I have to work Saturdays or miss the Wednesday night class because of late workdays. I wouldn’t have to endure waking up at three-thirty in the morning in order to make it to Dallas by five ever again. Though it wasn’t my dream job, it was a major upgrade, and for that I was grateful.
My days became full and life moved in a steady rhythm. In addition to the monthly sweat lodges and weekly Wednesday night classes, I began attending Silver’s kundalini meditation classes on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings. I also started attending the monthly full moon pipe ceremonies. Sunday afternoons were reserved for “dharma yoga,” a gratitude practice Silver emphasized in his talks he gave after every meditation class. Dharma yoga consisted of yard work and home repairs at the Ashram, and it was a way to give back to the center.
While I loved being active at the Ashram, the demanding schedule made it difficult to keep up with my old friendships, and they gradually slipped away. Although I found the classes and ceremonies beautiful, stimulating, and transformative, I relished Monday and Friday nights the most. These were the only two nights we consistently had off, unless, of course, the full moon fell on one of those evenings, in which case we would have our pipe ceremony. But most weeks, those evenings were opportunities for Matthew and me to have a date night and for me to relax, as I went non-stop from sunrise to well past sunset on nearly every other night of the week.
In late August, Silver called together all of his students who had pipes. SwiftDeer’s health was rapidly deteriorating, and the Deer Tribe asked that all apprentices participate in a series of pipe ceremonies to pray for SwiftDeer’s healing. As I was neither an apprentice nor had a pipe, I was not invited to join these ceremonies.
On September 10, I went to see a movie with Silver and Matthew. When we walked out of the theater, Matthew looked at his phone and saw a text message from Reina. SwiftDeer had passed.
“This is a critical time for the Path,” Silver told us at the next Wednesday night class. “The Deer Tribe has lost its leader. Usually when a path loses its leader, it's only a matter of time before it falls apart. Let’s see how prepared the Deer Tribe is for this transition.”
I didn’t mourn SwiftDeer’s passing because I didn’t know him, but Silver’s words troubled me. What would happen if the Deer Tribe fell apart? Would it mean an end to SunDance, the sweat lodges, and my healing? I made a silent vow to learn and experience as much healing as I could while the opportunities were still available.
Go to Chapter 14.