Silver Ra, Landlord Of The Soul
Chapter 41 of Neophyte: My Life In A Sex Cult
This is a chapter within my memoir, Neophyte, about my time in a harmful cult called the Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society. It is not meant to be read as a stand-alone post. To view all book chapters, click here.
The Deer Tribe is a dangerous cult. While they present themselves as a spiritual community offering healing and empowerment, their practices are rooted in manipulation, control, and cultural appropriation. Like many cults, they offer moments of genuine connection and personal insight — but these are strategically used to gain trust and draw people deeper into a harmful system. Readers are encouraged to read the entire book before forming opinions about the Deer Tribe.
Chapter 41
The following Wednesday evening, a loud knock echoed at my kitchen door. It was just after nine-thirty, and I was at the sink, filling a kettle with water for tea. When I opened the door, Silver stood there, his face a mask of irritation.
“Why weren’t you in class tonight?” he demanded, stepping across the threshold without waiting for an invitation.
I stared at him in disbelief. Did he have amnesia?
“I told you I was taking a break,” I responded, surprised by the steadiness in my voice.
“You’re taking a break? Why in the world would you want to take a break?”
“I explained it all to you last week.” His tone was triggering me. Now I was getting irritated.
“I don’t understand what’s going on with you. Your attitude in the last class was atrocious. It was completely obvious you didn’t want to be there. And now you say you’re taking a break?”
“Yes. I told you why, and I called everyone in the group and explained that I would no longer be attending the Wednesday night class. Everyone understood, and no one is wondering about me.”
“It doesn’t work that way. You can’t stop coming to class. You’ve been here too long. People look up to you here. It’s not going to bode well for my situation if one of my few advanced students stops attending class.”
“Well, I’m sorry, but that’s my decision.”
“That’s not your decision to make.”
“I need this to be my decision, Silver. People have controlled me my whole life. My mom controlled me, my religion controlled me, and I’m just sick of it!” My voice sounded high-pitched and shrill. I was losing my cool.
“Oh boo-hoo, now you’re going to bring up your past and wallow in your pity. Poor you!”
“This is how I am choosing to live my life!”
“That’s not your choice to make!” he growled. “I am the teacher! You have to do what I tell you!” His voice cracked with rage.
So there it was. He thought he could control me. Well, I had news for him: no one controlled me anymore. My thoughts scattered as our conversation erupted into a shouting match. A few minutes later, he stormed out the door.
After that encounter, things were never the same between us. Every few weeks Silver would call me or send me an email, demanding an explanation for my absence from, his classes. I was still putting in four hours a month in the yard, completing my “dharma yoga” requirements, so I didn’t have to pay an additional forty dollars in rent. Occasionally, he would approach me while I was pulling weeds or trimming branches, asking how long I intended to live at the Ashram or accusing me of falling off my spiritual path. My frustration with him and the Ashram grew.
By this point, Silver’s core group had changed significantly, and Matthew and I were now the longest-standing members. Olivia had moved to Phoenix, Sally had relocated to Dallas and only occasionally attended the sweats, and Elena and Julian had both left. Reina had joined the military. Omari had been kicked out for having sex with a new girl. It seemed this was a common pattern at the Ashram: people would come to a sweat, get intrigued, start attending Silver’s classes, but eventually, they moved on.
I didn’t know the new people well, but I would see them at the monthly sweats and pass them in the yard. They were young and bright-eyed, full of that same passionate innocence I once had. I could sense their curiosity about me. I was more experienced in the medicine and lived at the Ashram, yet I resisted bowing to Silver’s demands. I began to see Silver’s situation in a new light. He was the ringleader, we were his puppets. Gone were the days when I felt miraculously lucky to have a man like Silver in my life. Instead, I longed for independence, far away from here.
I did my best to avoid Silver, developing a habit of peering through my doorway to ensure the coast was clear before making a quick dash to my car whenever I needed to leave. I soon grew tired of this, and it finally dawned on me: I don’t have to live at the Ashram. So I approached the subject with Matthew.
“Why don’t we just move out?” I asked him one day.
“No,” he said firmly. “That’s not going to work for me. I’m running my school here.”
“We can still live in Denton, and you can still hold your classes here. We can even come to the sweats.”
“No.”
“Well, Silver is being a bully. He is acting hostile toward me and aggressive, and I feel uncomfortable living here.”
“I know, but I can’t move.”
“Are you serious? You say you want to marry me, and yet you are asking me to live in a situation where I am literally being verbally abused? I don’t feel safe here!”
Matthew said nothing. I stared at him for a long moment.
“You know Silver told me to Phoenix.”
I waited for him to respond, but he remained silent.
“I can’t believe you,” I said, then left the room in anger.
For weeks, I pleaded with Matthew to reconsider, but he wouldn’t budge. Tension crept into our relationship as new fears took root in my mind. Would he ever be willing to leave? We were engaged, and that seemed like crucial information for me to know. When I asked him if he planned to live at the Ashram forever, he always said no, but remained noncommittal on a timeframe. Anxiety and resentment began to build up in me, but talking about it with him always seemed to lead to more conflict.
Meanwhile, wonderful things were happening in other areas of my life because I manifested my biggest prayer request to date.
For two years, I had prayed for a new job that would give me the income and time freedom to attend Red Lodge, a four-year shamanic program offered by the Deer Tribe. Red Lodge was the fastest way to progress on the Path, offering ceremonies that weren’t available elsewhere. Despite being Silver’s most advanced student, I still felt behind. At SunDance each year, I watched peers who joined the Path after me advancing in their gateway work and earning mantles I hadn’t yet achieved. Red Lodge promised to help me move at the pace I felt called to—and even better, I could skip Year One and start directly in Year Two.
In January 2017, I got a job as a marketing director for a chiropractic clinic. The owner, a big Tony Robbins fan, was impressed by my knowledge of NLP and offered me the job on the spot. I told him I would need these weekends to advance in my NLP work, and he readily agreed.
Red Lodge was a big commitment. The program cost $2000 a year, and in addition, I would have to pay for airfare and lodging. The program met every six weeks at the Rainbow Powers Center for a weekend of medicine teachings, ceremonies, and martial arts training. I hoped it would prove to Silver that I was still as devoted as ever to my spiritual path.
Go to Chapter 42.