Shamanic Gaslighting 101: It’s Not Personal, It’s Just Public Shaming
Chapter 52 of Neophyte: My Life In A Sex Cult
This is a chapter within my memoir, Neophyte, about my time in a harmful cult called the Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society. It is not meant to be read as a stand-alone post. To view all book chapters, click here.
The Deer Tribe is a dangerous cult. While they present themselves as a spiritual community offering healing and empowerment, their practices are rooted in manipulation, control, and cultural appropriation. Like many cults, they offer moments of genuine connection and personal insight — but these are strategically used to gain trust and draw people deeper into a harmful system. Readers are encouraged to read the entire book before forming opinions about the Deer Tribe.
Chapter 52
It was a tradition for the Q instructors to treat the neophytes to a celebratory dinner, so after the workshop on Sunday, we gathered at Z’Tejas. Necea and Brian helped themselves to margaritas, while Rafael had a beer, and Michelle, Catrina, and I drank water.
Toward the end of our meal, Michelle asked for some help.
“I would like some advice on how to handle situations where I’m being told two different things. This happens quite a bit, I’ve noticed. Like this weekend, Necea told me to get the room ready for the genital anatomy typing. She asked me to move furniture out of the way so the women could sit in a circle. But then Josh walked in and became very upset with me that I moved his guitar.”
The table was silent for a moment before Necea spoke.
“Michelle, multiple times throughout the weekend, you were oblivious to the needs of the space. You directly contradicted Josh in front of the group. Josh has graciously hosted our Q workshops for years, and you disrespected him publicly in his home. And that whole thing with the furniture could have been avoided if you had displayed any level of freethinking.”
“How was I disrespecting Josh?” Michelle looked shocked. “I am devoted to the well-being of the participants, the hosts, and the instructors at every Q I attend.”
“This is a pattern of yours, Michelle,” Brian said. “I’ve seen it with you over and over. A teacher offers you character refinement, and you resist. It makes it very challenging to work with you. I’ve often thought to myself over the years, ‘Why don’t I want to work with Michelle?’”
Michelle stared at him, blinking back tears. “Wow,” she said.
“You have a blind spot, sweetheart,” Catrina said firmly. “We are offering you a reflection. This isn’t personal. It’s for your growth and maturation.”
“Do you have a problem with me, Necea?” Michelle said, turning to face her. “Because I feel like you do. I never have issues with Susan or Irene when I neophyte for them.”
“Oh god,” Necea rolled her eyes. “Here we go.”
Michelle remained resolute. “I’m serious, Necea. I’d like us to work this out. I just don’t feel like this is an appropriate setting. Can we schedule a time to talk privately this week?”
A sigh escaped Necea’s lips. “I don’t have time for that, Michelle.”
“That’s not efficient, dear,” Catrina added gently. “We are together now.”
“Oh great. So we’re going to do this here in public. At a restaurant. In front of my peers.” Tears were pooling in Michelle’s eyes, and I could see her struggling to stay composed.
Rafael and I had been watching this scene unfold in silence. My discomfort grew by the minute. Necea, Catrina, and Brian were Sacred Pipe Carriers and upper gateway apprentices. They each held multiple mantles and were seen as authority figures in the Deer Tribe. But did that give them the right to treat a student this way, especially a student who was volunteering her time at their workshop? Michelle could get emotional at times, but she was also dedicated, hard-working, and kind.
Then it dawned on me: this wasn’t normal. Normal adults don’t talk to one another in this way. The instructors were scolding Michelle as if she were a child who had misbehaved. But Michelle hadn’t broken any protocols or rules. Their disagreement came down to a matter of opinion.
With unease, I realized that if these weren’t Deer Tribe people, I would speak up. I would tell Necea, Brian, and Catrina that they were being highly inappropriate and rude. I would get up and walk out. But instead, I just sat there like a coward.
Catrina turned to me. “Tell us what you witnessed just now.”
And just like that, the energy shifted. With a simple question, Catrina had turned Michelle’s humiliation into a teaching moment for all of us. Immediately, my training kicked in, and I felt myself falling right back into obedient subservience.
“Well,” I responded slowly. “I find myself in awe of Michelle. I think I would have fallen apart if I were in her position. Yet she spoke her truth and was able to receive your reflections with strength.” Catrina, Brian, and Necea nodded their approval. Inwardly, I cringed. I felt like I had betrayed Michelle.
“Okay!” Brian announced with enthusiasm. “I think that’s it! What a fantastic Q! You all did great! Anything else you want to add?” His question was directed to Necea and Catrina.
“Nope! Everyone did a fine job!”
“Goodnight, everyone!”
“Goodnight!”
Abruptly, Necea, Brian, and Catrina stood up and gathered their things. They walked around the table, giving quick hugs to Michelle, Rafael, and me before leaving. Michelle remained seated, still in a state of shock. I felt panic setting in, so I said a hasty goodbye to Michelle and Rafael before fleeing to my car.
It was two in the morning, and I lay in bed awake. The familiar sensations of stress and panic gripped my body. Matthew was in our spacious, walk-in closet, where he had retreated hours earlier. As soon as I got home from the restaurant, a fight erupted between us. Now, I couldn’t even remember what it was about.
In three hours, I would need to start getting ready for work. With every passing minute, my body grew more anxious, and sleep grew more elusive. I walked into the bathroom and filled the tub, hoping that a warm Epsom salt bath would calm me.
This was getting ridiculous. For years, every time I returned from a Q, Matthew and I would fight. The Qs weren’t healing me. They weren’t empowering my relationship. They were driving us apart.
Go to Chapter 53.