Quodoushka, Where Your Trauma Is Made Sexy
Chapter 39 of Neophyte: My Life In A Sex Cult
This is a chapter within my memoir, Neophyte, about my time in a harmful cult called the Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society. It is not meant to be read as a stand-alone post. To view all book chapters, click here.
The Deer Tribe is a dangerous cult. While they present themselves as a spiritual community offering healing and empowerment, their practices are rooted in manipulation, control, and cultural appropriation. Like many cults, they offer moments of genuine connection and personal insight — but these are strategically used to gain trust and draw people deeper into a harmful system. Readers are encouraged to read the entire book before forming opinions about the Deer Tribe.
Chapter 39
A scream shattered the space. Startled, I turned around and saw a young woman convulsing violently on the floor while her partner sat calmly beside her, his hand resting gently on her shoulder. Alarmed, I looked at Walter, waiting for his direction. He remained perfectly still, observing the scene, before saying, “Ah,” and walking to retrieve a large condor feather from under his teaching chair.
I didn’t know whether I should keep my distance, but curiosity overcame me, and I edged closer. This was a major learning opportunity. How does a Q instructor handle a situation like this?
Walter knelt and helped cover her body with her sarong. Her partner looked concerned. The woman, a freedancer, began sobbing.
“Tell me what happened,” Walter said softly, and she immediately launched into a story about how her German grandmother had been repeatedly raped by soldiers in the aftermath of World War II.
“I felt like I was there,” she cried. “Like it was happening to me!” She covered her face with her hands.
“Get me a marriage basket,” Walter said to me, and I quickly followed his order. When I returned, he was trying to coax her into laying down, but she refused.
“I don’t want to be touched,” she said firmly as tears streamed down her face.
It took several minutes, but she finally seemed to settle. I felt deep compassion for her and wondered if she had experienced trauma at some point in her life. The Body Imprint Removal was an intense ceremony, and even I had difficulty getting through it with a partner I knew and trusted. Before last night, this woman had never met the man assigned to help her release her pain tapes.
A tap on my shoulder brought me out of my reverie. I turned to see Craig, a Q grad and Dallas resident who often attended Silver’s monthly sweats.
“Well, Margie is pretty much done,” he grumbled, referring to the freedancing woman he had been partnered with. “I performed the ceremony on her, but she’s tired and doesn’t want to give anything to me.”
A sick feeling overcame me as I listened to his complaints. Despite my efforts to be friendly—he was part of Silver’s group, after all—I always found him off-putting. At the last Denton Q, he had regaled anyone willing to listen with a woeful tale of a sexless marriage that ended in a bitter divorce. Now in his fifties, it was clear to me that Craig fully intended to make up for his lackluster sexual past. But his energy felt desperate, always grasping for more. He wanted young, beautiful partners, and it was evident that he felt cheated out of his experience tonight.
An alarming thought crossed my mind: Surely they won’t ask me to finish the ceremony with him! The idea was revolting. Neophytes weren’t expected to do exercises with participants, but occasionally, in situations like this, we were asked to step in. With no logistics staff available, and as the newest neophyte, I was the lowest on the totem pole. Panicked, I silently pleaded, Please don’t ask this of me.
As if she could read my thoughts, Andie floated over. “What’s going on?” she asked casually, then listened sympathetically as Craig described his plight. “Hmmm,” she said, offering him a sweet smile.
“So that’s it? I don’t get anything back?” Craig’s irritated voice sliced through the air.
I watched Andie handle Craig, feeling awed by her ability to comfort him without giving him the solution he clearly wanted. Eventually, she gave him a big hug, and Craig left for the night, looking somewhat appeased. A wave of relief washed over me. I returned my attention to the space, looking forward to the evening’s end when I could take my tired body to bed.
On Saturday morning, before the dancing started, Necea called a meeting to debrief the previous day. We brought our breakfast to the private cabin she shared with Andie. Neophytes, I realized, rarely got breaks.
As we ate, Andie and I listened to Necea and Walter reflect on their teaching moments, analyzing how receptive the group had been and how they could refine their delivery. “We want the energy to go in a specific direction,” Necea explained to us, “and we need the participants to cooperate.”
Andie’s debrief came next, and then they turned their attention to me.
“Self-assessment,” Walter said, looking at me and waiting for my response.
Self-assessments were tricky. I had to provide an objective account of what I did well and where I needed to grow. I forced myself to speak calmly and in a voice of power.
“Hmmm… Do you feel you were tuned into the needs of my body?” Walter asked when I finished.
“Yes?” I replied, wondering where this was going.
“I ask because I feel like you were more focused on the technique and less focused on what my body was longing for last night. Specifically, I am wondering if you feel you gave enough attention to my cock.” Walter’s squinty eyes peered at me through his spectacles.
I stared back at him, speechless, trying to stifle my disgust. Was he serious?
“Um…” I said, not knowing what to say. I glanced furtively at Necea. She was studying my face.
“You did a fine job,” Necea spoke authoritatively after an awkward silence. “It was your first time doing the demonstration, and you did well.” That settled it. Necea was the lead teacher, and her word was law.
“Necea, it’s almost nine. I’m going to start the music.” Andie stood and walked over to the sound system. Walter and Necea gathered their things and left to get ready for the day. Andie and I were already dressed in our lovers’ mask attire. That morning, we would be invoking our Wild Man or Wild Woman.
Drum music poured from the speakers, and soon, participants began trickling in wearing leopard print, sarongs, or shawls tied around their waists. The drum music was intoxicating, stimulating a primal energy in each of us. By the second song, the men and women were howling and growling like animals. Two men in loincloths dropped to their hands and knees and snarled at each other. One man lifted his hand, and with fingers curled as if it were a paw, swiped at the other man’s cheeks. They growled loud and fierce, closing in on each other’s throats, and I could almost see them shapeshifting into the wild cats they were channeling in that moment.
Necea sauntered into the room. I watched her stand discreetly on the sidelines, looking intently into the space and sizing up the group. The dancing was meant to shift the participants into a receptive, open, and agreeable state of mind. The Q instructors wanted to lower their inhibitions and strategically choreographed every teaching, exercise, and ceremony to achieve this goal. It worked every time. By the end of the dance set, we had transcended our mundane existence and were willing to push our boundaries.
On Sunday night, I sat in the backseat of Andie’s maroon Toyota FJ Cruiser. Necea rode in the passenger seat while Andie sat behind the wheel, driving us to a local Mexican restaurant in downtown Santa Fe for our post-Q celebration.
Even though Andie had been there multiple times and downtown was small, we couldn’t find the right street and kept driving in circles. For some reason, this struck us as uproariously funny.
“Just use the GPS,” Necea said.
“No, I’ll find it!” Andie insisted.
Necea turned in her seat to shoot me a mock eye roll, and we all burst out laughing again.
Andie kept circling the streets, and every minute or so, Necea would turn to look at me as we laughed and joked together. Each time she did, I thought my heart might burst. I couldn’t remember ever feeling so happy. I was one of them.
Later, at the restaurant, Necea showered me with compliments.
“You were so wonderful!” she said repeatedly, and again, my heart swelled with pride, causing me to forget all the challenges of that weekend. Another woman had a breakdown on Saturday evening. The next morning, Necea was summoned to her room before breakfast because the woman was talking to herself, and her roommate was concerned.
“You know, you’re Necea’s favorite apprentice, right?” Andie said coyly, bringing me back to the present moment.
“Really?” I asked, feeling a blush creep up my face.
“Oh, darling, I just love you!” Necea said.
“Yeah, we love you! We want to spend more time with you!” Andie echoed. “She can stay with us whenever she comes to Phoenix, right, Necea?”
“Absolutely! Anytime you want to neophyte or if you ever come for ceremony, we’d love to have you stay with us.”
“Oh! That would be lovely!” I replied. “What… what is the arrangement as far as… energy exchange?” I finished lamely, always embarrassed to bring up the topic of money.
“No charge,” Necea said firmly. “You would be our guest. I don’t do what the others do in Phoenix. I decided a long time ago that I would only invite the medicine sisters I wanted to stay at my house, and I would never charge them.”
“We also want you to travel with us,” Andie said excitedly. “I’ve already talked to Necea, and you’re welcome to come to any of our workshops anytime as our assistant. You’ll get to attend, do the ceremonies, and receive the teachings. Our next one is a women’s retreat this October. We’re having it in Kauai! It’s at a beautiful retreat center, and our Buddhist teacher is coming too. You’d just need to help cook for everyone, and you only have to pay your airfare. Will you come?”
“Wow,” I said, suddenly at a loss for words. How much was airfare to Hawaii? I had no idea. But how could I turn this opportunity down?
With a big smile, I said, “I’d love to.”
Go to Chapter 40.