My Sacred Dream...Fueled By Trauma
Chapter 24 of Neophyte: My Life In A Sex Cult
This is a chapter within my memoir, Neophyte, about my time in a harmful cult called the Deer Tribe Metis Medicine Society. It is not meant to be read as a stand-alone post. To view all book chapters, click here.
The Deer Tribe is a dangerous cult. While they present themselves as a spiritual community offering healing and empowerment, their practices are rooted in manipulation, control, and cultural appropriation. Like many cults, they offer moments of genuine connection and personal insight — but these are strategically used to gain trust and draw people deeper into a harmful system. Readers are encouraged to read the entire book before forming opinions about the Deer Tribe.
Chapter 24
Driving home from SunDance, I reflected on my journey over the past two years. First, I found the sweat lodge, then Silver’s shamanic classes, and then the SunDance. Within months, I was able to heal my anxiety. I stopped using weed every day. I began seeing beauty in the world again. I started believing in magic.
Yet, even after months of praying, I still hadn’t found my Sacred Dream. Silver taught that each of us has a special mission to fulfill in our lifetime. This mission is our unique purpose, and it is called our Sacred Dream. It is how we touch the world with beauty. It is how we walk our medicine out into the world.
Silver’s Sacred Dream was the Rudra Center. Matthew’s Sacred Dream was his martial arts academy. But what was mine?
I thought about Necea and the life she led. She had true freedom and lived life on her own terms. She made her money as a powerful medicine woman, teacher, and healer. She didn’t have to commute to a dull, corporate job every day. She didn’t have to rub pennies and nickels and dimes together just to pay the bills and be able to attend SunDance.
I thought about the neophytes and their sexual freedom. I admired their ability to demonstrate the healing exercises and have orgasms and pleasure so freely in front of others. Not only was it a testament to their self-empowerment, it was a beautiful way to serve the world.
I thought about my upbringing and the strange ways I had learned about sex. I thought about my sexual traumas and the excruciating shame I carried, even after all these years. What if there was a reason for all that had happened to me?
The Deer Tribe taught that all humans have something called a Book of Life—one book for every lifetime we live. Before birth, our soul chooses how it will learn and grow, even selecting our parents. This is our karma—the lessons our soul wants to experience in this lifetime.
My personal history was my karma. I had written everything that happened to me into my karma book because my soul had chosen to learn through those experiences. Even the rape I experienced, Silver taught, was my soul’s choice. He believed that rape is always a soul contract between the person and their rapist.
True empowerment, according to the Deer Tribe, comes from recognizing our karma for what it is and doing the work to close our karma book. Ceremonies, warrior task assignments, and teachings are the tools for this process.
Once we close our karma book, we can open our dharma book. In dharma, we get a blank slate—a chance to write our own story rather than repeating old lessons.
When we are in dharma, life moves faster. Manifestation comes with ease. We are no longer weighed down by pain tapes and lethargy.
At SunDance that year, I paid for a Book of Life reading with Linda Clarke. In the Deer Tribe, only Sacred Pipe Carriers who meet specific training qualifications are permitted to give these readings using the Mayan tarot deck. Linda told me my dharma book was indeed open and that my soul was waiting for me to claim my Sacred Dream.
“There’s a part of you that is afraid to imagine that it can be good for you,” she reflected.
That was true of the old me, but I decided it would be true no longer. I began a morning practice, moving into a meditative state and vividly imagining my future, just as I had been trained.
I saw myself at the front of the room, imparting the ancient wisdom of Quodoushka to eager participants. I envisioned traveling the world, teaching these workshops, empowering the planet, and freeing people from generations of sexual repression. I pictured myself living in a beautiful home, authoring books, and guiding my apprentices.
And then I felt it—the tug from Great Spirit. At that moment, I knew in my heart that my Sacred Dream was to become a Sacred Chulaqui Quodoushka Teacher.
Go to Chapter 25.